Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I've had a little while to think about it, and you know what? Who the hell cares? I've had way more life experience in the last 4 years then all those people put together; I've lived in 4 different cities, met so many new people, opened myself up to new experiences, AND, I have a fabulous job that I've already been promoted within. I don't envy them having to move out from mommy and daddy's house, find a job and start paying off the disgusting amount of student debt they have.

Everyone lives their lives in the way that's best for them; I wasn't ready for uni. I thought I was, and I was wrong. Life lesson learned. If you care about something, work towards it; be sure, and give it your all when the time is right. The time for me is coming, and I know that when I return to school, it will be for all the right reasons, and I will be mature and responsible enough to succeed, and hell, might even get my company to pay most, if not all, of the bill.

On a different note, I read a very interesting quote today:
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Just stuff to think about.....

oh god damn it.....

I had a pretty good day today....

Had a conference call at 9am today about a client account that I'll be taking over, so that was very interesting, learned a little bit about it. Had a good talk with my supervisors. Did some training, updated notes, did my usual duties, learned some new stuff; all in all, not a bad day at work, right?

On the way home, I redeemed a scratch card I had that had won $6, and instead of getting the cash, just got two more. Well, one won $10, the other $14!! All in all, I made 27$ today! Pretty good, right?

Then I come home, I finally find my mail keys which I had been missing for the better part of a week... fearing I had lost them entirely terrified me as it had the key to my apartment building, our mail box, a spare car key (yikes!) and a extra set to my parent's house. It was really stressing me out, but I'm happy that they have been recovered :) And I got lots of good mail, so that wasn't so bad to come home to, right?

I'm not going to my hot yoga class tonight, and I have no meetings, no zumba, no prior arrangements, so I'm feeling pretty relaxed. I know when my bf gets home, I can take the car and I'm going to a spa appointment since I'm leaving for Las Vegas this weekend, another wonderful thing to look forward to, right?

Well, apparently all it takes is one glance at some past friends' facebook conversations to see how excited they are that they're graduating this year from university, and it takes all the wind out of my sails.

God damn it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Pieces... always missing pieces....

Well, as usual, just when one significant piece of my life comes into clear focus, another significant piece of the puzzle is lost.

My dear best (girl) friend of 7 years has just told me she may be moving... and not in a matter of long weeks or months, as I first assumed, but perhaps in very short weeks.... We have gone from living in the same town, to living HOURS (7+) apart, back to living within a 15 minute drive, and this would puts us back to hours apart again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm SO happy for her; it's a very good oppertunity for her and her family, and I want nothing but the best for her.... but that doesn't negate the fact that I would love to go over to her house, wrap myself around one of her legs and very somberly say "please don't leave me".

All this may be for naught, as I said, she may be moving.... though honestly, I've always been pretty in tune with my intuition...
Time will tell I suppose.

That all being said, hours is not all that bad. My sister is on the other side of the world at the moment. Granted, I cried quite a bit at that, but we adjust; we grow.

I know that I will do my part to not let our amazing relationship falter or fail. If anything, not to be cliche, but it's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder. You don't let the little scraps and arguments make you bitter, you try harder to write and communicate, and seeing each other is one of the best treats in the world. So I suppose I should not be so quick to sadness...

As I said to her, I will say to myself again: "Even as we grow in different directions, we will never grow apart."

Monday, February 16, 2009

"For every minute spent in organizing, an hour is earned.”

Hello again. My goodness, how quickly time can fly, and how quickly things can change.

I suppose the most important thing to note is my schedule, it goes a little something like this:

Monday to Friday, 9-5 : work.
Thursdays, 6:30-7:30 pm: Jr.Vets Club(volunteer) planning meeting
Thursdays, 8-9pm: "Zumba"
Sundays, 1-3: Volunteering
Every last Tuesday of each month, 7-9pm: book club

Shortly, this will change, as my Zumba classes will end, and then my planning meeting for this volunteer group will change to teaching the actual classes, which will go from 5:15pm until 8:30pm on Thursday nights, and 9am until 12pm on Saturdays.

ALSO, I am going to a new class which I (hopefully, if all goes well) will attend once or twice a week on any free night (most likely Mondays and Fridays). It's called Moksha Yoga, and it's basically doing yoga in a specially heated room, so that you sweat and burn calories faster. It's supposed to be cleansing. Surprisingly, it was my boyfriend's idea, he's all for it. I just hope he enjoys it.

SO, I suppose the point of bring all this up is to show how busy I am, or am making myself. I am doing this for a couple different reasons:

1) When I'm under controlled pressure, like deadlines, etc., I tend to crack down and get stuff done. I am 10x more efficient if I feel pressured. Now, I run the risk of stressing out if it gets to be too much, but... this is a fairly controlled schedule, so I feel pretty comfortable with it so far.

2) Health reasons. Alot of the extra stuff I'm doing, like the Zumba classes and the Moksha Yoga are for the benefit of my health and weight. At first glance, yes, I'm a chubby girl. I have a lot of extra padding, and I am looking to drop that, for vain reasons, but also because I do have some unrelated medical issues that could suffer if I keep gaining weight.

3) It gives me a sense of worth and acceptance; I'm out in the community volunteering with the Humane Society, I'm at a dance class and a yoga class meeting people, I'm dedicating time to myself and to others and I think that it will be good for my mental health to have a designated amount of time a week where I can focus on what I need. Also, by helping out the SPCA, I really believe that it's good karma. I used to be pretty good about volunteering in the community in my home town, but the last few years I've been too caught up in the changes of my life to focus on things outside of my own interests. So I plan on making that up. I'm involved in the Jr. Vet's Club, which teaches empathy, compassion and general knowledge to kids aged 6-11 in regards to animals. I'm also being considered for the planning board for a couple special events going on at the center, AND, I plan on going in for a few hours every Sunday to help clean the cages, feed the animals, and play with the cats and small animals to keep them company. Not only does it give me good experience resume-wise, but someone/thing is benefitting from my involvement aside from me, and that's good karma.

4) And, my last reason, though probably my most selfish reason, is that I want to distract myself. There's a lot of stuff going down at work, and in my personal relationships that I need to get away from once in a while. I also don't want to find myself bored some week night where the best thing I find to do is to sit on my ass, watch tv, and eat myself stupid.
If I'm busy and on the go and constantly planning and putting myself on a schedule, it won't allow for anything...out of the ordinary to happen, like eating a tub of ice cream or meeting up with people all the time to the point that negative things happen.

I guess I just need to redefine myself; I've been craving a schedule for years now. I thought I had it once I got my full time job; monday to friday ain't all that bad. But it wasn't enough. I need to structure my evenings and weekends if I want to feel like a normal, functioning part of society. Also, I love trying new things and meeting new people. I need to leave negative influences behind and expose myself to better things.

I just hope to god it works.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Still here, still here...

It's been a while. I am still here, just focusing on life a little more.... everything changes from week to week....I have alot I'd love to share, a lot I'd LOVE to unload on here.... but I must decide how I want to express it first. I'm trying to go beyond the usual "blurt everything out before thinking" part of me, and become more responsible with my words and how they affect others.....

Expect a more detailed update tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care... right? Yeah yeah yeah...

I have never been good at being decisive... it takes me forever to make a simple decision, whether it's what I'll wear for the day to what I'll eat for lunch. I hate having to be responsible for the consequences of that decision; if I don't make the initial decision, well then it can't come back on me.

Conflict avoidance?
Yes, but I at least admit it; I'm terrified of being wrong.

Perhaps it's because I've made alot of bad choices in the past, that it's made me very weary of committing to anything now, even something as insignificant as a movie choice between friends.

In the last year, I've been asked alot of questions; by family, friends, loved ones, by my head and by my heart. I have tried to step up to the plate and become a stronger woman, to build my self esteem, and I think, for a while, I succeeded.
For instance, I woke up this morning and felt gorgeous, and felt good in what I was wearing, and I made the decision to be happy, despite the recent ease of being bitter and resentful.

And while I am realising the woman I can be, the woman I can *decide* to be, I just have this feeling that there are those people out in the world who just can't help themselves from pulling the carpet out from under me. Am I such an easy target? Is it really that amusing to crush me? Honestly, I think it must be, because I can't for the life of me see why some people do what they do, unless that is the reasoning behind it.

I like to think that we are all inherently good, with a great capacity for cruelness, evil, whatever you want to call it; we are part good and bad. I have made the decision to try to be good, and, although I have failed myself and others at that in recent months, I have again tried to make the effort to be good, to myself and those I love.

What I cannot understand, is how someone who I have placed trust in, someone whose judgement I thought to be sound, is making so many bad decisions. It cannot be blamed on one time loneliness, oppertunity, or mere longing; this must be blatant disregard for my feelings. It is an obvious situation, the rules have been long ago set, and this person is breaking them.

So now that this person has made their decision, I need to make mine.
Where I stand is halfway between longing for a fresh start.... and between willful ignorance and continuing on as usual... you'd be surprised how alluring the latter choice is.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Define "good"....

I think because I change moods and perspectives so randomly and often, it's hard to know what in life is "good" for me.... is the job I'm doing going to make me happy? is the town I live in the one where I will thrive? is the person I love "good" for me? is my lifestyle really the one I want to be living?

There are days when I say no to all those things, and get all these wild ideas about what I could do, should do, would do, if only I had the chance.... but then I have other days where I'm very comfortable and pleased with where I am... and then other days I view that as being "resigned" to the life I have. It's hard, especially when I have competing views from family, friends, and everyone else influencing me, to know how I should take things....

I like to think that I am in a "good" place right now. I have a steady job, loving family, and my relationships (whether it be in love, or just friendships) are improving and growing and strengthening... it is easy though, to throw that all into doubt when one has a bad day... especially when doubt is cast by someone who might know how to point out the fears they know you have.

For example, job security: I feel I have it presently, having just been promoted. But when my parents (lovingly) nag the hell out of me to return to university for fear of my not ever getting further in my company, or any other company, despite me not feeling 100% sure what I want to return for, well, that gives me a healthy dose of "what the fuck am I doing with my life??".

Admittedly, I'm a "people-pleaser", even though I have a good sensibility with my energies... "please all and you will please none" as they say. But it is hard when you've been taught to live a certain way, do certain things, and add on top that I just want my loved ones to be proud of me and I want to be able to be proud of myself, and you've got yourself some pretty fucked up, conflicting views of what should be very simple situations.

So I suppose this is a two part question: What can be defined as "good" for me; and who really has the final say in what that is?


I think we'd all like to assume, without question, that we in fact have the final say in what is good or bad for us, but I also think people oversimplify the roles family and friends have in our lives, and ultimately, our decisions. If I knew that what I am doing right now, this very day, would make me comfortable and content until my dieing day, would I continue doing it, despite what my parents might think, or my friends, or my significant other? Do we really do things in life because they make us happy, or do we do them because we know they will make others happy, and that in turn makes us feel "happy", since it's a sign that we are on the right track?
Not to say that we are all sheep who look to others for what we should do, but I certainly think that if I woke up tomorrow and truely believed that I should make a small, life altering change, I would not be able to fully make that change or decision myself... not to say I need permission, but more...approval? It's more that I would like someone to agree with me.. and if they don't, it might discourage me, but if they agree, then it's much easier.... who knows, maybe it's my horrible habit of avoiding conflict that complicates it all.......