Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care... right? Yeah yeah yeah...

I have never been good at being decisive... it takes me forever to make a simple decision, whether it's what I'll wear for the day to what I'll eat for lunch. I hate having to be responsible for the consequences of that decision; if I don't make the initial decision, well then it can't come back on me.

Conflict avoidance?
Yes, but I at least admit it; I'm terrified of being wrong.

Perhaps it's because I've made alot of bad choices in the past, that it's made me very weary of committing to anything now, even something as insignificant as a movie choice between friends.

In the last year, I've been asked alot of questions; by family, friends, loved ones, by my head and by my heart. I have tried to step up to the plate and become a stronger woman, to build my self esteem, and I think, for a while, I succeeded.
For instance, I woke up this morning and felt gorgeous, and felt good in what I was wearing, and I made the decision to be happy, despite the recent ease of being bitter and resentful.

And while I am realising the woman I can be, the woman I can *decide* to be, I just have this feeling that there are those people out in the world who just can't help themselves from pulling the carpet out from under me. Am I such an easy target? Is it really that amusing to crush me? Honestly, I think it must be, because I can't for the life of me see why some people do what they do, unless that is the reasoning behind it.

I like to think that we are all inherently good, with a great capacity for cruelness, evil, whatever you want to call it; we are part good and bad. I have made the decision to try to be good, and, although I have failed myself and others at that in recent months, I have again tried to make the effort to be good, to myself and those I love.

What I cannot understand, is how someone who I have placed trust in, someone whose judgement I thought to be sound, is making so many bad decisions. It cannot be blamed on one time loneliness, oppertunity, or mere longing; this must be blatant disregard for my feelings. It is an obvious situation, the rules have been long ago set, and this person is breaking them.

So now that this person has made their decision, I need to make mine.
Where I stand is halfway between longing for a fresh start.... and between willful ignorance and continuing on as usual... you'd be surprised how alluring the latter choice is.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Define "good"....

I think because I change moods and perspectives so randomly and often, it's hard to know what in life is "good" for me.... is the job I'm doing going to make me happy? is the town I live in the one where I will thrive? is the person I love "good" for me? is my lifestyle really the one I want to be living?

There are days when I say no to all those things, and get all these wild ideas about what I could do, should do, would do, if only I had the chance.... but then I have other days where I'm very comfortable and pleased with where I am... and then other days I view that as being "resigned" to the life I have. It's hard, especially when I have competing views from family, friends, and everyone else influencing me, to know how I should take things....

I like to think that I am in a "good" place right now. I have a steady job, loving family, and my relationships (whether it be in love, or just friendships) are improving and growing and strengthening... it is easy though, to throw that all into doubt when one has a bad day... especially when doubt is cast by someone who might know how to point out the fears they know you have.

For example, job security: I feel I have it presently, having just been promoted. But when my parents (lovingly) nag the hell out of me to return to university for fear of my not ever getting further in my company, or any other company, despite me not feeling 100% sure what I want to return for, well, that gives me a healthy dose of "what the fuck am I doing with my life??".

Admittedly, I'm a "people-pleaser", even though I have a good sensibility with my energies... "please all and you will please none" as they say. But it is hard when you've been taught to live a certain way, do certain things, and add on top that I just want my loved ones to be proud of me and I want to be able to be proud of myself, and you've got yourself some pretty fucked up, conflicting views of what should be very simple situations.

So I suppose this is a two part question: What can be defined as "good" for me; and who really has the final say in what that is?


I think we'd all like to assume, without question, that we in fact have the final say in what is good or bad for us, but I also think people oversimplify the roles family and friends have in our lives, and ultimately, our decisions. If I knew that what I am doing right now, this very day, would make me comfortable and content until my dieing day, would I continue doing it, despite what my parents might think, or my friends, or my significant other? Do we really do things in life because they make us happy, or do we do them because we know they will make others happy, and that in turn makes us feel "happy", since it's a sign that we are on the right track?
Not to say that we are all sheep who look to others for what we should do, but I certainly think that if I woke up tomorrow and truely believed that I should make a small, life altering change, I would not be able to fully make that change or decision myself... not to say I need permission, but more...approval? It's more that I would like someone to agree with me.. and if they don't, it might discourage me, but if they agree, then it's much easier.... who knows, maybe it's my horrible habit of avoiding conflict that complicates it all.......

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Still with me?

So. You're still here, still reading. Good. On we go.

You'll find, if you're one of those lucky people who know me outside of blogging sites, that my tone is slightly different here then it usually is.
I chalk this up to just not giving a fuck anymore.
Yep, that's right. I've always been a pretty open person. I like to think that honesty is the best policy. I also don't let silly things bother me... I mean, I don't care if people know my weight, my sexual preferences, or a variety of other seemingly random and "sociably unacceptable" facts. It only becomes awkward or weird if you make it that way. Personally, I don't feel ashamed of those things, and I refuse to *not* talk about something just cause people think I shouldn't.

So, please, don't think I'm being negative, it's more that I'm being...upfront... confident... unafraid to say what I want. It's something I rarely do in real life, and I need that to change. Not being able to talk about something that is on my mind, not being able to express what I need to, in the way I need to, is just deadening and frustrating, to say the least.

More to come...

Is anybody going to listen to my story?


I'm made of them.

A little bit of this, that, and the other thing. Ah, but that makes me sound more interesting then I really am....

I'm just a girl, who is just alot of random things, arranged in a girl-like form; so don't let your expectations get the better of you. I might surprise you, I might interest you, but I don't expect I'll impress you.

I am attempting to re-arrange my pieces into the final picture; to complete my mosaic and know who am I, and why those pieces are so influential to the greater picture.

Plan to see alot of self-indulgent inner monologues, musings, and hopefully, a girl understood by herself.