Thursday, December 11, 2008

Define "good"....

I think because I change moods and perspectives so randomly and often, it's hard to know what in life is "good" for me.... is the job I'm doing going to make me happy? is the town I live in the one where I will thrive? is the person I love "good" for me? is my lifestyle really the one I want to be living?

There are days when I say no to all those things, and get all these wild ideas about what I could do, should do, would do, if only I had the chance.... but then I have other days where I'm very comfortable and pleased with where I am... and then other days I view that as being "resigned" to the life I have. It's hard, especially when I have competing views from family, friends, and everyone else influencing me, to know how I should take things....

I like to think that I am in a "good" place right now. I have a steady job, loving family, and my relationships (whether it be in love, or just friendships) are improving and growing and strengthening... it is easy though, to throw that all into doubt when one has a bad day... especially when doubt is cast by someone who might know how to point out the fears they know you have.

For example, job security: I feel I have it presently, having just been promoted. But when my parents (lovingly) nag the hell out of me to return to university for fear of my not ever getting further in my company, or any other company, despite me not feeling 100% sure what I want to return for, well, that gives me a healthy dose of "what the fuck am I doing with my life??".

Admittedly, I'm a "people-pleaser", even though I have a good sensibility with my energies... "please all and you will please none" as they say. But it is hard when you've been taught to live a certain way, do certain things, and add on top that I just want my loved ones to be proud of me and I want to be able to be proud of myself, and you've got yourself some pretty fucked up, conflicting views of what should be very simple situations.

So I suppose this is a two part question: What can be defined as "good" for me; and who really has the final say in what that is?


I think we'd all like to assume, without question, that we in fact have the final say in what is good or bad for us, but I also think people oversimplify the roles family and friends have in our lives, and ultimately, our decisions. If I knew that what I am doing right now, this very day, would make me comfortable and content until my dieing day, would I continue doing it, despite what my parents might think, or my friends, or my significant other? Do we really do things in life because they make us happy, or do we do them because we know they will make others happy, and that in turn makes us feel "happy", since it's a sign that we are on the right track?
Not to say that we are all sheep who look to others for what we should do, but I certainly think that if I woke up tomorrow and truely believed that I should make a small, life altering change, I would not be able to fully make that change or decision myself... not to say I need permission, but more...approval? It's more that I would like someone to agree with me.. and if they don't, it might discourage me, but if they agree, then it's much easier.... who knows, maybe it's my horrible habit of avoiding conflict that complicates it all.......

No comments: