Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care... right? Yeah yeah yeah...

I have never been good at being decisive... it takes me forever to make a simple decision, whether it's what I'll wear for the day to what I'll eat for lunch. I hate having to be responsible for the consequences of that decision; if I don't make the initial decision, well then it can't come back on me.

Conflict avoidance?
Yes, but I at least admit it; I'm terrified of being wrong.

Perhaps it's because I've made alot of bad choices in the past, that it's made me very weary of committing to anything now, even something as insignificant as a movie choice between friends.

In the last year, I've been asked alot of questions; by family, friends, loved ones, by my head and by my heart. I have tried to step up to the plate and become a stronger woman, to build my self esteem, and I think, for a while, I succeeded.
For instance, I woke up this morning and felt gorgeous, and felt good in what I was wearing, and I made the decision to be happy, despite the recent ease of being bitter and resentful.

And while I am realising the woman I can be, the woman I can *decide* to be, I just have this feeling that there are those people out in the world who just can't help themselves from pulling the carpet out from under me. Am I such an easy target? Is it really that amusing to crush me? Honestly, I think it must be, because I can't for the life of me see why some people do what they do, unless that is the reasoning behind it.

I like to think that we are all inherently good, with a great capacity for cruelness, evil, whatever you want to call it; we are part good and bad. I have made the decision to try to be good, and, although I have failed myself and others at that in recent months, I have again tried to make the effort to be good, to myself and those I love.

What I cannot understand, is how someone who I have placed trust in, someone whose judgement I thought to be sound, is making so many bad decisions. It cannot be blamed on one time loneliness, oppertunity, or mere longing; this must be blatant disregard for my feelings. It is an obvious situation, the rules have been long ago set, and this person is breaking them.

So now that this person has made their decision, I need to make mine.
Where I stand is halfway between longing for a fresh start.... and between willful ignorance and continuing on as usual... you'd be surprised how alluring the latter choice is.


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